My Own Hell

I went in for a routine shot. Usually the ordeal only takes a few minutes. I guess they were still training the nurse that was to administer the shot. She was fumbling around the drawers, trying to find all the supplies she needed. When she actually injected me, there was a strange pain I had never felt before. Usually, the only pain comes from the prick of the needle itself, not the fluid inside of it.
Anyway, lo and behold I passed out from being in a standing position to landing facefirst on the floor. I only was gone for a few moments, but in my mind it felt like an eternity. I remember yelling sorrounding me and I could my breathing loudly over the thoughts. When I came back to consciousness I began tearing up, shaking and hyperventalating. Not because of what had happened, but because of what I saw. Instantly as I realized I was in a room with nurses, I kept forcing myself to forget and unsee what I had imagined. It was terrifying and ugly, loud and piercing in my brain.
I always half jokingly say that I have a dark mind, but now that statement is more true than I myself had realized. It took a while for me to fully return to this reality, I don't think I've been more shaken up before. Goddamn that's one hell of a subconscious in there.

I Wonder About You

Fun-loving and sweet, like the advertisement you put of yourself on website listings.
I'm curious to know what goes beneath your laughter and smiles.
Has anyone gone beyond the shallow expressions of your conversations?
I've watched you from brief paranoia and sincere curiosity. I've seen your eyes...
As they say, windows to the soul. And yours is particularly intriguing.
Distant storyteller, what tales do you keep to yourself?
What is it you don't dare narrate to your listeners?
Dear friend, I'd like to know more about your story.
Your antics and jests are charming, as is your kind heart.
You've won over my deep interest and loyalty with casual swiftness.
Your gaze implies a muffled utter of truth, deep in your windows,
I wonder what world they open to. I wonder what  you also found in me.
I wonder about you.

Santiago

My grandpa was angel (if you believe in that sort of thing)
He worked hard and was a very honest loyal man. He had 11 children with only one woman. She was the only one for him, he went 30 years alone before he had a stroke...
He had this calm demeanor at all times. He had a light chuckle, a little like Hank's from King of the Hill. Everyday he woke early, content and peaceful. He was a very religious man, but he also had a very spiritual connection. He was one with nature, pets loved him, kids loved him, my friends loved him, strangers adored him.
He was sweet.
He was grand.
He made the best damn salsa ever. It made grown men cry.. I PUT THAT SHIT ON EVERYTHING!
He had elegant handwriting.
He had awesome drawings.
He made delicious food.
He had a green thumb, making gardens beautiful.
He grew old very well.
He had arthritis and a fake knee.
He still walked to church, without a cane or wheelchair.
He was so strong& independent, the center of our family.

...I'm sad I only saw him months before his death. For his birthday, my mom had baked him his favorite cake: carrot cake made from scratch. I went to Mexico with my aunt after 10 years since my last visit. I loved it so much...
I miss Mexico. I miss the family. I miss not being dependent of electronics.
You can really feel the love between everyone, the togetherness.

I want to cry cry cry. I miss my grandpa. I miss him so much.
And I'm sad my mom, who loved him so much, didn't get to see him years before.
why? because it's almost impossible to legalize her immigration status. It's either be with her family in Mexico or be with her daughters in the U.S.
Fuck you racist laws, you keep families apart. I don't know how to mend her broken heart.
Two of her close family members have died since she's been stuck in Los Angeles.
I want to move away. Find a paradise, like Mexico.

Goodnight blog.

Here's my shit day.

1:00         end pointless argument, sleep
5:53         call ambulance
6:00         rush to friends house
6:40         go home,
                 change pj's
                 drop mom and sis @ work
7:15-
12:00       hospital visit
12:20       pick up clothes for friend
1:00         pick up sister from school
1:30         AAA renew registration stickers
2:30         Dentist appointment
3:30         Drive to Pasadena, drop off clothes
4:00         Drive back
5:00         Pick up Carpool
6:00         Drive home
6:30         Shower
7:00         Eat
7:15         Meet Uncles
8:00         Drop off friends apartment keys
8:30         Breathe
10:00      Drive Half-Asleep to Northridge
11:00      Not die swerving into lanes
Day:        No one died,  a success.

In all this time, not once did you bother to ask if I was okay.

For friends that stay true, I seriously love you. Especially you Jaz, I know I didn't really say much, but you had perfect timing to keep me from falling apart today, thank you.

I woke up with the fear of being alone.

I woke up at 5:53 a.m. to one of those most feared phone calls I could have in my life.
I rushed as fast as I could, not knowing if I had made it in time to save you...
I banged on your door you didn't answer, but the smell of bleach overwhelmed the hallway.
I saw them take you away in that ambulence... I thought I had lost my best friend...
I died a little more today. So many conflicting emotions, I couldn't help but go numb.

The urge to kill the asshole that broke your heart...
The urge to hold you tight and never let go...
The urge to love you with all my energy.
To vomit and cry out, my best friend tried to end her life.

You are the most awesome and beautiful living human being I've ever known to exist. Your sadness... I empathize with it. We're not fit for this world, you and I.

You mean more than anyone.
I wish I could've been more involved with your life, I wish I could just take your pain away....

If only I could be the one to love you.

but I'm just your best friend, I can't offer anymore than what our friendship has been.

I tried being strong for you today, made sure you were smiling, made sure you were comfortable and okay. I almost lost you again....

Please don't leave me :'(